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Several times a year ABC takes up hours of our week with the Bachelor/Bachelorette series. The show started in 2002 and is still running like clockwork 20 years later. Each series we see people experience “heartbreak” and then fall in “love”. They go to exotic locales, they cut to commercial right when the secret is about to be told and always have something coming up next week you don’t want to miss. The show has built up a formula that works:
- A single person who is attractive and seemingly successful is looking for love and marriage
- a bunch of members of the opposite sex who are all attractive go to house and vie for their attention through a series of dates, 1 on 1 conversations and “cocktail” parties (a seemingly endless bar budget)
- Each week a people get eliminated and sent home (the host always comes in and says when there is 1 rose remaining like the viewers at home and the contestant don’t know how to count)
- At the end they propose to somebody (usually does not work out in the end, if you’re lucky it happens by the time “After the Final Rose”.
- One of the people that did not get a proposal and fans like gets selected to star in the next round
- Rinse and Repeat
Throughout the runs of the show you get to know a lot of contestants and if you watch it enough cycles you start to see some familiar patterns. To help you view the show with ease here is a breakdown of some of the characters you see each and every season.Embed from Getty Images
Each time you get a member of the god squad coming on the show and what is the first thing they tell the camera (but not the contestant) “I’m a Virgin, but I’m here because I want to fuck X”. They make sure to put them on the awkward dates where sex is brought up constantly and they have to try to fake it till they make it. Then they tell the contestant and they talk about how they respect their life decision, but you should leave because they are late for the “fantasy suites” where they get to have sex with the other contestants.
“They aren’t here for the right reasons”
Every season they somehow manage to have 2 people who kind of know each other because they’re from the same city and a friend of friends former roommates cousin heard that the person is only there because they think they’ll be famous. So the one person then becomes obsessed with the other because they need to let the contestant know about how terrible this other person is. It then gets to the point that it becomes all they talk about at every chance. Not realizing if you wanted to win or show somebody you love them you should focus on building a relationship with them instead of talking shit on another contestant. This usually ends with a “2 on 1” date where both of them are there with the contestant. 1 gets sent home and the other usually gets sent home 2 seconds later, because without the other person to talk shit about they have nothing to offer.
The Crazy Person
There is one person who is always there to just stir shit up and being wild. They drink to much, they talk to much and are always super outlandish. Everybody complains about them to the contestant, but they stay around for a while because they aren’t crazy/mean to them. Then they realize this person has nothing to offer and they get sent home.
The “Professional” Football Player
This is a Bachelorette exclusive. Each season there is somebody who is a former NFL player… As a sports fan I google them (which is not a good sign as I know A LOT about sports) and you see they didn’t go to a big school and were on some practice squads, but never played a single down of actual NFL football. Just to be on a practice squad is a great accomplishment, but I don’t think you can retire and not have to get a day job…
The Depressing Person
There is the person who has a backstory they have to talk about constantly. They were married before but their spouse cheated on them and left or died. They are generally nice people, but they are constant Debbie Downers and nobody wants to hear about somebody else on a date. You feel for them because their predicament does suck, but they never really make it to the end.
The I Miss My Kids
There is the single parent who always misses their kids. They can sometimes also be the depressing AF person, but not always. They say things like “My kids mean the world to me” “They are my everything” but when you look at it more, if they do mean that much to you why are you leaving them and going to a situation where you get little to no opportunities to interact when them. They end up getting sent home when they get to the point where they miss them to much or the contestant is tired about them talking about them.
The I Can’t Believe I’m Doing This
That is me every time I have to watch the show. I think each season will be my last, but my wife has a 6th sense to know when the show is starting again! So there I go for another round… Thankfully we can vent about it on the internet!