Yes, I’m vegan.
No, I’m not judging your food.
And no, I don’t need to give a TED Talk every time I say no to brisket.
(Though… hey, since you’re here checking out my blog, it might as well be my TED Talk.)
Look, I’ve got my strong opinions deep down, sure. But I’m also here to be part of society not standing on a soapbox every time I eat.
Here’s what I’ve noticed:
If I told you I kept kosher, you’d respect that.
If I said I had a nut allergy, you’d treat it like a serious deal menus get scanned, cross-contamination avoided, people go out of their way to keep me safe.
But say I’m vegan? Suddenly it’s a whole production.
“Oh, that’s so hard.”
“What do you even eat?”
And a flood of eye rolls and bacon jokes like it’s the only food worth living for.
I’m a comedian, so whatever whack joke you think you’re dropping it’s not going to be original. Look, please for the love of God, don’t try to turn this into an open mic. I’ve survived enough of those already.
I’m not trying to make your life harder. If you’re hosting and there’s nothing vegan, just say so. No big deal we’ll bring something. We always do. I’ll show up with food and a smile and do my best to be a normal human in a group setting.
But please, don’t act like it’s killing you. Don’t give me a look when we bring our own food, or treat it like we’re high-maintenance because we’re trying not to be a burden.
And seriously, don’t act like we’re pulling a fast one when you like something then realize it’s vegan.
“Wait… this is vegan??”
Yep. You loved it before you knew. That’s on you, not the food.
Also, so is a ton of stuff you’ve eaten your whole life…
For the record, it’s not hard.
Fruit? Vegan.
Veggies? Vegan.
Pasta, bread, rice, beans, guac, hummus, french fries, peanut butter? All good.
It’s really not complicated.
And if you’re unsure just Google it. Or ask ChatGPT.
You already look up stupider and more mundane stuff all the time.
You can figure out if Oreos are vegan (they are, by the way).
Look, I didn’t grow up like this.
I used to eat meat. A lot of meat.
Two-time Fatburger Challenge champ.
Fogo de Chão regular.
Milk? Drank it like I was auditioning for a commercial.
But people change.
Fifteen years ago, I’d have made fun of me too.
My dad still calls it “Vague-in,” like he’s talking about some hotel in Norway where you maybe get a vague idea of what veganism is.
My grandma, daughter of butchers, thought it was a “diet” I’d drop once I hit my goal weight.
It wasn’t.
I stuck with it because it makes me feel better, aligns with my values, and once you see food differently, it’s hard to unsee it.
So I keep it simple. I made a flowchart:
Does it contain animal products?
→ Yes? Then it’s not vegan.
→ No? Then we’re good!
No pressure. No tofu lectures. No soapbox.
Just a guy trying to eat without pre-apologizing, fending off weak jokes, or pretending your dry muffin counts as dessert.
So yeah I’m vegan.
I’m not “difficult.”
I’m just living in a world that acts like I am.
Pass the Hummus!!!
Got your own “Wait…this is vegan??” moment? Drop it in the comments
Leave a Reply